Porn Over Promises And Under Delivers
One of the questions I hear most frequently in my work with men battling sexual compulsions is this: Is freedom really possible? My answer time and time again is an unequivocal “Yes! Real freedom is really possible.”
I know this because I’ve experienced it personally. I went from being addicted to porn and acting out sexually in my marriage to having my marriage restored and living life in a brand new way. A life where illicit sexual images and experiences have lost the power they once had over me.
One of the most crucial aspects of finding the freedom you long for is understanding why porn and sex have had such power over you.
Right now, whether you know it or not, some deep-seated belief explains your preoccupation with lust and attraction to porn. Why does porn exert such great power over you? Why do you indulge?
Maybe you attribute your compulsions to a sex drive that’s in high gear. If I weren’t so horny all the time, I wouldn’t struggle this way. But hey, I can’t change my sexual urges.
Maybe you attribute your struggle to your partner’s lack of desire or interest in sexual intimacy. If my wife were more turned on or did what turns me on, if she’d just cut loose and be more uninhibited, then I wouldn’t need porn.
Maybe you believe that your struggle with porn comes from your wife’s appearance or lack of sex appeal in your eyes. If my wife lost weight or got a boob job or dressed sexier, I’d be more interested in her.
Maybe you attribute your struggle to a lack of willpower. If I could be more disciplined and focused, I know I could get over this. If I really tried harder, I could give up porn.
Or maybe you’ve concluded that if you were a more spiritual person, then porn wouldn’t be a problem. If I read my Bible more, prayed more, and focused on God more, then He would help me avoid this temptation.
Or maybe you frame your struggle as a lack of accountability. If I knew more people I could trust, guys who really understand what it’s like, men I could come clean with, then I know I could control this.
Whatever you believe is the cause, my prayer is that you will realize that your struggles with lust and porn are not actually about sex.
I hope you will realize that the compulsion toward porn and illicit sex far exceeds the thrill of orgasm or appreciation for a woman’s body proportions. It involves far more than viewing a new stimulating sexual position or a hotter, more provocative partner.
[bctt tweet=”Whatever you believe is the cause, your struggles with lust and porn are not actually about sex.”]
In the same way, overeating is not about food—something else compels the food addict to eat an entire one-pound bag of M&M’s in one sitting. Compulsive shopping is about so much more than needing more stuff to put in our garages or closets. So, too, our sexual lusts and preoccupations with porn point to more than naked bodies or illicit sex.
Maybe you’ve heard the saying that in a marriage the sexual relationship is a barometer for the relationship in general. When a husband and wife enjoy a healthy emotional, relational, and spiritual connection, most of the time good sex follows. In the same way, a man’s sexual appetite is a barometer for what’s going on inside his heart. Your sex drive consists of more than testosterone and the buildup of seminal fluid pressing for biological release, more than being visually stimulated and feeling aroused.
Sexual arousal is an accumulation of your experiences, deep needs, and unconscious beliefs. Your heart shares a deep connection to your body parts. The way you are sexually aroused reflects what’s happening deep in your soul, beyond your sexual organs. Indeed, sex is as much spiritual mystery as it is physical fact. The reality is that your heart legitimately needs something, and porn promises to meet that need.
From my professional experiences and research as a licensed counselor, porn makes six different promises related to six core desires. I will discuss each of these separately in Parts one through seven over the next three weeks. Stay tuned!
Question: Have you ever thought about porn (or any object of desire) as promising you something?
Adapted from Surfing for God: Discovering the Divine Desire Beneath Sexual Struggle, Michael John Cusick, p. 16-24, Thomas Nelson (2012)