Michael John Cusick
“Life is short, have an affair.” So goes the infamous tag line for Ashley Madison, the popular online “dating” site existing for married people to cheat on their partner.
Since the Ashley Madison scandal has been widely discussed in the media, in some ways, there’s not much left to say. Yet, with the release of confidential information came a flood of pain, unexpected exposure, and one reported suicide.
Though my name was not on the Ashley Madison list, the scandal hit me close to home. The stories I’ve heard remind me of a dark day in 1994 when my own double life of adultery, deception, and sexual addiction was was exposed.
That day was the worst day of my life. It was also the best day of my life. It was the worst day because of the pain and devastation caused by my actions. It was the best day because it forced a world-altering reboot in my own heart, marriage and life.
By God’s grace, not only did our marriage survive but it is thriving. It wouldn’t be an overstatement to say that my infidelity led to our marriage being reborn. The problem became the solution.
So it’s from my personal experience with sex addiction, as well my professional experience as a licensed therapist that I have identified three major lies advanced by Ashley Madison and other sites like them.
Lie #1: Cheating on your spouse will fulfill you.
Contrary to popular opinion affairs are not always about sex. People cheat on their spouse for a variety of other reasons: companionship, excitement, emotional connection, to overcome feelings of inadequacy, even revenge. Beneath any one of these reasons, however, every adulterous relationship shares one thing in common–the promise of fulfillment through a counterfeit connection.
Ashley Madison’s tag line speaks directly to this: “Life is short, have an affair.” In the other words, with such little time, go ahead and reach for the forbidden fruit. If you don’t, you are going to miss out.
What can the idea of “forbidden fruit” teach us? One often overlooked idea is that God’s commandments are more prescriptive than restrictive. In other words, God is not out to steal our joy and fulfillment. Instead he’s giving a prescription for how joy and fulfillment happen.
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It’s like God’s saying, “Want to be happy? Want to be fulfilled? Then make sure that you do not have sex with someone else’s spouse! Cause, dude, it’s gonna get painful and messy real fast!”
This is why I’ve always thought that a modern paraphrase for any of God’s commands might be something like this:
“Do not grill steaks on a block of ice!”
“Do not brush your teeth with an electric toaster!”
“Do not drive your Chevy pickup truck across the Atlantic Ocean!”
As free persons we are welcome to disobey any of these paraphrased “commandments,” but it’s going to get painful and messy real fast.
As a man who broke sexual boundaries in my marriage I can speak to the pain and the mess. I can confirm that fulfillment was nowhere to be found. After breaking my marriage vows, all I got from it was heartache and regret, shame and cover up.
Yes, affairs can be electrifying. But the idea of a special someone out there who will fulfill us is a myth—fulfillment is cultivated from the inside out.
[bctt tweet=”The idea of a special someone out there who will fulfill us is a myth—fulfillment is cultivated from the inside out.” via=”no”]
Lie #2: If nobody knows, nobody gets hurt.
The main problem with this lie is how it’s based on a type of faulty thinking called rationalization. Whether it’s cheating on income taxes, a final exam or a spouse, nobody cheats with the belief they will be discovered. Rationalization gives us endless reasons why we won’t be discovered and, therefore, why nobody will get hurt.
Oh, how it hurts though when the inevitable happens. When the secret is discovered or disclosed. When our partner’s heart and trust are betrayed and shattered. Sure there are people who carry their secret infidelity to the grave. But more often than not, those secrets make their way into the light.
Another problem with this lie relates to a growing body of research suggesting that the impact of affairs and infidelity are much greater than imagined. Dr. Omar Minwalla, a clinical psychologist practicing in Beverly Hills, has written and worked extensively with Sex Addiction Induced Trauma (SAIT) –the idea that betrayal from marital infidelity can result in many of the same symptoms as Post-Traumatic stress Disorder.
Minwalla relates the staggering idea that when partners discover an affair or have an affair disclosed to them, they often develop symptoms consistent with rape or other forms of complex trauma:
“Sex addiction-induced trauma is particularly acute around discoveries (finding out about sexual acting out, deception and relational violations), disclosures (being told about sexual acting out, deception and relational violations) and around the continued traumatic incidents that result from the presence of sexual addiction in an intimate relationship and family system.
Partners often present with a set of symptoms that match symptoms similar to rape trauma syndrome (RTS) and complex post-traumatic-stress disorder (C-PTSD), including psycho-biological alterations, re-experiencing of the trauma, social and emotional constriction, constant triggering and reactivity, significant anxiety, emotional arousal and hyper-vigilance. Sex addiction-induced trauma is a highly specific type of trauma that involves nuanced symptoms that can include fear and panic of potential disease and contamination, fear of child safety and potential of child molestation, social isolation, embarrassment and shame and intense relational rupture and attachment injuries.” (Full article here)
So beyond the rationalization and minimization of infidelity, there is real damage done by an act of marital betrayal. This is why in nearly three decades of counseling couples I’ve never heard a person say, “Cheating on my spouse was the best decision I ever made.”
Lie #3: Private behaviors will remain private
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas (yeah right). But as 3o million adultery consumers have learned, what happened on Ashley Madison didn’t stay there.
Despite the promise of privacy and total discretion.
Despite corporate cyber-security to prevent breaches of confidential data.
Despite the iconic image of a beautiful woman, finger to lips communicating “Shhhhh!”
So another lie the Ashley Madison scandal exposes is the fact that we are in denial over the erosion of our privacy. We can be outraged over the fact that hackers steal information, but this won’t stop hackers from breaching private data.
Just ask Target or Home Depot. Just ask Blue Cross & Blue Shield or Harvard University. Just ask the United States Post Office or the White House. All of whom have experienced major data breaches at the hands of hackers.
While our demand for privacy has never been greater, the guarantee of privacy has never been more uncertain. In a world where hackers penetrate the most fortified firewalls and everyone has a video camera (smart phone) in their pocket, the idea of guaranteed privacy no longer exists.
Consider what the writer of Hebrews penned almost 2,000 years ago: “Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.”
It’s been said that the truest test of a person’s character is what they do in private, even when no one is watching. But Someone is always watching.
And that’s why I’m glad that this Someone looks like Jesus.
Question: What other lies are advanced or perpetuated through sites like Ashley Madison?
Michael John Cusick is the author of Surfing for God: Discovering Divine Desire Beneath Sexual Struggle and a Licensed Professional Counselor who specializes in working with couples and individuals affected by adultery and marital infidelity.