Posts by Michael Cusick | Restoring the Soul

Mar 22 2016

Five Traits of People Who Experience Breakthrough During Intensive Counseling

After 17 years of intensive counseling with individuals and couples, I’ve witnessed breakthroughs of countless individuals and couples.

Of course, I’d be less lying if I told you every person or couple who left our intensive counseling program lived happily ever after. Yet the reason I’ve specialized for nearly two decades in offering intensives is because of the life-changing potential inherent to intensive counseling.

One of the most important things I’ve learned over the years is the ability to identify the type of people who are most likely to experience extraordinary gains. For simplicity, I’ve divided these into five categories.

Those Willing to Make A Sacrifice
Committing to an intensive is never easy. Whether it’s finding the financial resources, arranging for childcare or time off from work, or mustering the emotional and physical strength to make it happen, making the decision to attend an intensive always requires sacrifice. It’s at this point that many people give up hope.

Some people look for counseling resources closer to home. Some look for less expensive options. And some elect to keep doing more of what they’ve been doing all along (usually with the knowledge that what they are doing is not helpful). However, in every instance where intensive counseling clients experienced life-changing breakthrough, they were willing to make a significant sacrifice.

I’ll never forget the couple I worked with who chose to sacrifice money they saved for an anniversary vacation to afford their intensive. They didn’t feel it was a sacrifice because they were investing in their marriage in a way that ultimately paid huge dividends.

Those Willing to Invest In Themselves or Their Marriage
It never ceases to amaze me how some people will invest in the pursuit of physical health or a personal hobby or passion, then hesitate to invest in their own soul or marriage. Why? Because the need to invest into counseling often feels like a sign of weakness.

One client, a private pilot, put it to me this way: “When I wanted to become a licensed pilot I knew I needed to invest in the arduous and costly process of taking flying lessons. It took me a long time. Investing in my marriage is no more a sign of weakness than not knowing how to fly a plane.”

Making the investment in intensive counseling can certainly result in monumental gain. Whether it’s a breakthrough from addiction, accelerated growth and healing, a rescued marriage or deepened intimacy with God, yourself or your spouse, the greatest reward is restoration.

Those Willing to Face Inner Brokenness
Virtually everyone who comes to an intensive is suffering from some type of broken world experience. Whether it’s a broken relationship, an unwanted struggle or difficult circumstances, something is not right in their world. Those who make the greatest gains during intensive counseling are the ones who take an inside look.

Deep in our soul we know something isn’t right. Beneath our broken world there is a broken soul, and facing our inner world takes great courage. Doing so makes us feel vulnerable, powerless, even ashamed. But when we humble ourselves we are given grace.

The very things we once thought to be a barrier to the life we desired becomes the very bridge to all that we were created for. The power of intensives is the ability to quickly identify brokenness. As Richard Rohr has written, “It is through the holes in our soul that God breaks in and we break out.”

Those Willing to “Do Life Differently”
Years ago one of the Restoring the Soul board members commented that when someone comes to an intensive they are usually ready to “do life differently.” What they meant is that by the time someone arrives at our doors they realize that what they’ve been doing has not been working.

In the Gospel of Matthew, Jesus gives a description of doing life differently:

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly” (Matthew 11:28-30, The Message).

The way of Jesus is not about more religious effort or trying harder to be a better Christian. Doing life differently never involves anything heavy or ill fitting.

Those Willing to Trust In God’s Larger Story
In telling us that Jesus is “the author of our faith” (Hebrews 12:2), the writer of Hebrews makes it clear that God is writing a story. Moreso, he includes us in how the story gets written. We make choices all the time. We chose whether to trust Him, that He will finish what is started, that He has good planned for us.

Through intensive counseling, men and women gain greater clarity about their life story and how it intersects with The Larger Story God is telling. That larger perspective is invaluable but especially for those that see God’s work throughout their story.

I count it a privilege to work with individuals and couples who long for more.

Question: Which one of the five traits can you most relate to?

Jul 18 2014

Why Porn and Sex Addiction Is A Symptom of a Deeper Issue

For nearly fourteen years I followed Jesus–clueless that my struggles with lust, masturbation, and porn were symptoms of much deeper issues which explained why I couldn’t “just say no.”

Jesus taught that adultery and sexual immorality come out of the heart (Matt. 15:19). But what does this mean?

In his classic book Inside Out, Larry Crabb compares our inner world to an iceberg. The visible tip of the iceberg represents our behaviors, conscious thoughts, and feelings—things people see and feel. The iceberg mass below the waterline represents those things that cannot be readily identified. These include motives, purposes, and attitudes of the heart, as well as painful memories and hidden emotions.

It doesn’t take much to realize that a person can appear morally obedient, spiritually mature, and emotionally whole, yet below the waterline remain self-centered and immature. It is below the waterline, however, in the place of our inmost being, where the gospel is meant to transform us.

In the waters of our soul, something more deeply rooted must be addressed. But what is it? When Jesus taught that adultery and sexual immorality came out of the heart, He was not giving an anatomy lesson.

Continue reading “Why Porn and Sex Addiction Is A Symptom of a Deeper Issue” »

Feb 12 2016

The Rhythm of Winter And The Rhythm of Your Recovery

The following is a guest blog post from Chris Mars who by day is a High School Learning Specialist in Colorado, and who regularly staffs our Restoring Freedom Intensive. Read more from Chris or contact him through his blog Sex Addiction SOS.

It’s winter, and I’m finding myself doing what I always do during winter. I want to “just get through it”, to just “survive”. And it strikes me that when I do this, somehow I’m missing God’s plan and intent for my life. In other words, What might God be trying to teach me through the struggle that is winter? What might I be overlooking? Is “survival” what life is about?

What if I learned to enjoy the journey of winter? What if I let go of my control, my desire to know what’s coming? What if I simply, humbly appreciated each day of winter for what it is? Whether it’s 50 degrees and sunny or zero degrees and snow blowing sideways, I could be free, content, even joyous. Wow! Try living life this way the next time you’re stuck in snarled traffic because the roads are a mess and the snowplows are nowhere to be seen.

Recovery from sexual sin is the same way. How long before this “weight” is lifted from my shoulders? we wonder. How long must I suffer through recovery before I can start really living? Why does it seem as though God is nowhere to be seen?

But what if, as Sheila Walsh has said, your recovery is “a gift that makes your hands bleed when you open it”? What if God wants you to trust Him one day at a time in your recovery? To enjoy and be at peace each day, even in the midst of your addiction that feels like the overwhelming shroud of winter?

Living this way, be it winter or recovery from sexual addiction, requires humility, trust, and surrender. Surrendering to the rhythm of His process. Surrendering to His goodness. Surrendering to…Him. One day at a time.

Winter “is what it is”. So is your recovery. Peace to you, in the midst of both.

Question: In what ways do you relate your personal recovery to wintertime which you “just want to be over”?

Nov 05 2015

Three Reasons To Attend the Restoring Freedom Intensive

Guest Post by James Cordrey

yeah, the thing that’s hard to speak of,

the secret we all know,

this blister soul

~’Blister Soul,’ by Vigilantes of Love

My blister soul. Oh, my blister soul.

So many secrets, and no idea how or where to begin.

In 1995, when I was deep in my pornography addiction — and diving ever deeper — the Athens, Ga.-based band Vigilantes of Love released the album “Blister Soul,” with the lead track of the same name.

I sang the chorus to “Blister Soul” wholeheartedly, giving voice to the ache inside me. It felt like the only thing I could do in the face of a worsening habit.

There were precious few places where I could go then to deal with my secret; the thing that was hard to speak of; the thing “too painful to behold,” as the lyrics say elsewhere in that song.

Twenty years later, the need to speak about my secrets remains. Where does a man go to do that? And who are the other men with whom those secrets can be shared without those dark truths crushing all of us?

On the whole, men hide for fear of their blister soul being exposed. And yet, just as deep as the fear — or perhaps deeper — is a desire that competes with that fear: The desire to actually speak honestly about the secret we all know.

But of course, we long to do more than just speak; we desperately need to be set free from the capitivity of our secrets and the shame with which they saddle us.

This is why on December 3rd to 6th I’ll be returning to Colorado to serve on the leadership team of the Restoring Freedom Intensive with Michael Cusick and his team at Restoring the Soul.

It has been a long while since I last looked at pornography, but even as a staff member who fights for the hearts of other men, I too need a place where I can gather with a company of men who will press into the healing of my blister soul.

The Restoring Freedom Intensive is a place where it is safe to be real. In fact, that’s the game you have to bring: the real one. Posing and posturing have no place.

The Restoring Freedom Intensive is a place where it is safe to be real. In fact, that’s the game… Click To Tweet

Deep down, at the level of their hearts and souls, men want this freedom. We crave the genuine article. It’s actually a relief to find a group of men who will say what’s really going on in their hearts and love and accept one another at the same time.

There are certain men who absolutely ought to attend the Restoring Freedom Intensive.

Men who are stuck in a pattern of compulsive sexual behavior.

Men who have made many attempts to change by reading books or redoubling their efforts.

Men who have settled for a life of sin management — or at least, who are attempting a life of sin management.

But more than that, there for 3 crucial reasons a man should attend the Restoring Freedom Intensive.

Despite the willingness of some in the Christian community to finally start talking more openly about sexual compulsion issues, there are still very few places where you can spend time among men with whom it is safe to share the ugliness of your darkest self.

Men caught in compulsive sexual behavior need the leadership of trained men who know how to get to the heart of the addictive issues in your life. The Restoring Freedom Intensive identifies and addresses what drives your compulsive behavior in the first place.

You can’t sort of deal with compulsive sexual behavior, you must commit yourself to doing whatever it takes to achieve lasting freedom. The intensive is the right commitment to make.

The Restoring Freedom Intensive is not just another men’s retreat or event. Quite quite frankly, that’s the last thing we need. Rather, it’s a professionally led therapeutic weekend that will allow you to get your heart back from captivity.

The Restoring Freedom Intensive will allow you to get your heart back from captivity. Click To Tweet

The intensive is the place to speak honestly about the secret we all know, in order that we would experience true healing for our blister souls.

Join men from around the country and sign up today for the December 3-6th intensive in Colorado Springs!

Question: What is keeping you from taking the Band-Aid off the blister of pornography? Who do you know who needs to attend the Restoring Freedom Intensive?

James Cordrey is the author of Intentional Warriors and fights for the hearts of men through the Intentional Warriors movement based in Philadelphia.

Oct 19 2015

Three Lies To Consider Since The Ashley Madison Dust Has Settled

Michael John Cusick

“Life is short, have an affair.” So goes the infamous tag line for Ashley Madison, the popular online “dating” site existing for married people to cheat on their partner.

Since the Ashley Madison scandal has been widely discussed in the media, in some ways, there’s not much left to say. Yet, with the release of confidential information came a flood of pain, unexpected exposure, and one reported suicide.

Though my name was not on the Ashley Madison list, the scandal hit me close to home. The stories I’ve heard remind me of a dark day in 1994 when my own double life of adultery, deception, and sexual addiction was was exposed.

That day was the worst day of my life. It was also the best day of my life. It was the worst day because of the pain and devastation caused by my actions. It was the best day because it forced a world-altering reboot in my own heart, marriage and life.

By God’s grace, not only did our marriage survive but it is thriving. It wouldn’t be an overstatement to say that my infidelity led to our marriage being reborn. The problem became the solution.

So it’s from my personal experience with sex addiction, as well my professional experience as a licensed therapist that I have identified three major lies advanced by Ashley Madison and other sites like them.

Lie #1: Cheating on your spouse will fulfill you.

Contrary to popular opinion affairs are not always about sex. People cheat on their spouse for a variety of other reasons: companionship, excitement, emotional connection, to overcome feelings of inadequacy, even revenge. Beneath any one of these reasons, however, every adulterous relationship shares one thing in common–the promise of fulfillment through a counterfeit connection.

Ashley Madison’s tag line speaks directly to this: “Life is short, have an affair.” In the other words, with such little time, go ahead and reach for the forbidden fruit. If you don’t, you are going to miss out.

What can the idea of “forbidden fruit” teach us? One often overlooked idea is that God’s commandments are more prescriptive than restrictive. In other words, God is not out to steal our joy and fulfillment. Instead he’s giving a prescription for how joy and fulfillment happen.

God's commandments are more prescriptive than restrictive. Click To Tweet

It’s like God’s saying, “Want to be happy? Want to be fulfilled? Then make sure that you do not have sex with someone else’s spouse! Cause, dude, it’s gonna get painful and messy real fast!”

This is why I’ve always thought that a modern paraphrase for any of God’s commands might be something like this:

“Do not grill steaks on a block of ice!”

“Do not brush your teeth with an electric toaster!”

“Do not drive your Chevy pickup truck across the Atlantic Ocean!”

As free persons we are welcome to disobey any of these paraphrased “commandments,” but it’s going to get painful and messy real fast.

As a man who broke sexual boundaries in my marriage I can speak to the pain and the mess. I can confirm that fulfillment was nowhere to be found. After breaking my marriage vows, all I got from it was heartache and regret, shame and cover up.

Yes, affairs can be electrifying. But the idea of a special someone out there who will fulfill us is a myth—fulfillment is cultivated from the inside out.

The idea of a special someone out there who will fulfill us is a myth—fulfillment is cultivated from the inside out. Click To Tweet

Lie #2: If nobody knows, nobody gets hurt.

The main problem with this lie is how it’s based on a type of faulty thinking called rationalization. Whether it’s cheating on income taxes, a final exam or a spouse, nobody cheats with the belief they will be discovered. Rationalization gives us endless reasons why we won’t be discovered and, therefore, why nobody will get hurt.

Oh, how it hurts though when the inevitable happens. When the secret is discovered or disclosed. When our partner’s heart and trust are betrayed and shattered. Sure there are people who carry their secret infidelity to the grave. But more often than not, those secrets make their way into the light.

Another problem with this lie relates to a growing body of research suggesting that the impact of affairs and infidelity are much greater than imagined. Dr. Omar Minwalla, a clinical psychologist practicing in Beverly Hills, has written and worked extensively with Sex Addiction Induced Trauma (SAIT) –the idea that betrayal from marital infidelity can result in many of the same symptoms as Post-Traumatic stress Disorder.

Minwalla relates the staggering idea that when partners discover an affair or have an affair disclosed to them, they often develop symptoms consistent with rape or other forms of complex trauma:

“Sex addiction-induced trauma is particularly acute around discoveries (finding out about sexual acting out, deception and relational violations), disclosures (being told about sexual acting out, deception and relational violations) and around the continued traumatic incidents that result from the presence of sexual addiction in an intimate relationship and family system.

Partners often present with a set of symptoms that match symptoms similar to rape trauma syndrome (RTS) and complex post-traumatic-stress disorder (C-PTSD), including psycho-biological alterations, re-experiencing of the trauma, social and emotional constriction, constant triggering and reactivity, significant anxiety, emotional arousal and hyper-vigilance. Sex addiction-induced trauma is a highly specific type of trauma that involves nuanced symptoms that can include fear and panic of potential disease and contamination, fear of child safety and potential of child molestation, social isolation, embarrassment and shame and intense relational rupture and attachment injuries.” (Full article here)

So beyond the rationalization and minimization of infidelity, there is real damage done by an act of marital betrayal. This is why in nearly three decades of counseling couples I’ve never heard a person say, “Cheating on my spouse was the best decision I ever made.”

Lie #3: Private behaviors will remain private

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas (yeah right). But as 3o million adultery consumers have learned, what happened on Ashley Madison didn’t stay there.

Despite the promise of privacy and total discretion.

Despite corporate cyber-security to prevent breaches of confidential data.

Despite the iconic image of a beautiful woman, finger to lips communicating “Shhhhh!”

So another lie the Ashley Madison scandal exposes is the fact that we are in denial over the erosion of our privacy. We can be outraged over the fact that hackers steal information, but this won’t stop hackers from breaching private data.

Just ask Target or Home Depot. Just ask Blue Cross & Blue Shield or Harvard University. Just ask the United States Post Office or the White House. All of whom have experienced major data breaches at the hands of hackers.

While our demand for privacy has never been greater, the guarantee of privacy has never been more uncertain. In a world where hackers penetrate the most fortified firewalls and everyone has a video camera (smart phone) in their pocket, the idea of guaranteed privacy no longer exists.

Consider what the writer of Hebrews penned almost 2,000 years ago: “Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.”

It’s been said that the truest test of a person’s character is what they do in private, even when no one is watching. But Someone is always watching.

And that’s why I’m glad that this Someone looks like Jesus.

Question: What other lies are advanced or perpetuated through sites like Ashley Madison?

Michael John Cusick is the author of Surfing for God: Discovering Divine Desire Beneath Sexual Struggle and a Licensed Professional Counselor who specializes in working with couples and individuals affected by adultery and marital infidelity.